“I just want to do a good job,” is in the undercurrent of most of my daily to-dos and interactions. I want to be a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good homemaker, a good business owner, a good cook, a good chauffeur when I’m hauling my kids around, a good… you name it. But having the desire to do better and to learn and grow in a certain area, and BEING good, are two totally different things.
You and I are good, just because it’s inherent within us. You are a good person, even when you burn the food, don’t call back, take a sick day, leave the clothes in the washer 3 days in a row, or yell at your kids. YOU ARE GOOD NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. You have light and dark within you, we all do. We all have thoughts and do things we aren’t proud of, that we struggle and wrestle with, and we all have those deep dark secrets that we just don’t want anyone to know. But you identify with that darkness to mean you aren’t good. It means you are human. You are good, worthy, enough, wonderful, amazing, and you also have darkness and make mistakes and sometimes get things wrong. Welcome to life on this earth. Welcome to having a human brain and a human body. Separating out your worthiness from your thoughts and actions is key. You are not your thoughts. You are not your actions. You are so much more than that!
Shame wants you believing the opposite of that. Shame is telling you that you are bad, you are wrong, you are missing something, you are inadequate, you will never get it right, etc. Shame wants you to identify with your mistakes as something being inherently wrong with you. And it’s a lie. Shame is always lying. There are things you’ve done wrong, mistakes you’ve made, but it doesn’t mean anything about who you are inherently as a person. When you believe shame, you have zero power to change anything. You are living as a victim to yourself. Just because you’ve done something wrong, doesn’t mean YOU are wrong. It means you’re human. Us humans get it horribly wrong sometimes!
Now you get to just decide you’re doing a good job. You just decided you weren’t, so why not open yourself up to the opposite being true? When you believe something, your brain goes to work making it true. It’s called Confirmation Bias. Whatever you believe, you find wherever you’re looking. So if you believe you’re not doing a good job, you’ll find evidence for it everywhere. When you start to allow yourself the possibility that you’re doing a good job, you’ll start finding evidence for that, too. Which then drives that belief in even deeper.
Now, let’s get down to business. Because you might be reading this and think, yes Jacqlin, but I need a meter. I need that needle to point to “you’re doing a good job,” instead of, “you can do better.” Have you even define what good is? What have you defined that to be? What would it even look like? And, is it feasible? Meaning, do you have the time and mental, emotional, and physical energy to actually make it happen? Or are you living in the Martha Stewart story-land where you believe women actually do it all, when in reality they have an 18-person support team behind the scenes measuring everything out in pre-portioned bowls, making the things ahead of time for the show, someone to clean everything up, prompters for what to say, make-up and hair artists, a personal nanny for each child who’s personal job is to make their day as amazing as possible.. you get my drift.
You might find yourself spinning your wheels constantly toward something in which you‘re not even sure what or where it is. Defining what doing a good job would even look like for you, will at least bring to the forefront what you’re actually wanting. It will give you a threshold to evaluate where you are and where you’re going. And, I’ll give you this: we can all do better. So is it possible to hold space for the needle pointing to both? Can you be a good person who is working on becoming more of who she wants to be?
So now what happens if you create this realistic definition of what doing a good job really means to you, and you don’t check all the boxes? When your thoughts, feelings and actions don’t align with who you are or who you want to be, you may find yourself sitting in guilt. Use guilt to your advantage! Guilt is simply your body’s way of telling you that you aren’t in line with who you are or who you want to be. Use it to evaluate, make neutral judgements of what you want to differently, and work on that thing moving forward. It doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect at it (is anyone really perfect at anything, ever?) or that you won’t mess up, but you can use it as a message to evaluate and move forward. Guilt can be a powerful tool towards change and progression in your life. Use it!
Long story short sis, you’re good. You’re worthy. You’re doing enough. You get to decide you’re doing a good job NOW, and use that emotional energy to move into progression of doing more of what feels good to you. Maybe it’s reading stories to your kids at night, setting aside time to talk to your husband each day, parenting or directing with more calmness and patience, whatever it is, it’s yours as you create a powerful understanding that you’re good no matter what, give yourself grace for being human, believing you’re doing good now to help create the emotional energy you need to move you into the space where you’re doing more of what feels good to you, and using guilt to as a message to evaluate.
**Want to work with me 1:1 or through a group-program? Schedule a FREE mini-session, where I show you what coaching can do for you as you progress in believing you’re doing a good job. Click here and let’s get started. I can’t wait to talk with you!